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I didn’t think I’d like that! You win!
Welcome to the “Every day is Valentine’s Day” episode! For this show, Dangle, The Stepfather and Tempting Melanie bring you a little bit of everything for everyone. We talk magazines and sex toys. There is an adult game board review, called “Battle in the Bed”, a fantastic movie review for the latest “50 Shades” movie, plus two interviews! First, we have an interview with Victoria from Clone-A-Willy, a penis replica kit. Then we have a great interview from Blush Gentlemen’s Club in Pittsburgh with the beautiful 2016 Penthouse Pet of the Year, Kenna James! She talks food, acting and being sensitive in a special place (oh my!)! I know you’ll find something you like here, so get to it!
- Every Day is Valentine’s Day!
- “Battle In The Bed” board game review
- Fifty Shades Darker (See review below)
- Playboy: Nude photos are back
Break
- Kenna James interview
My Fifty Shades…Darker? (Greyer? I can’t even remember what it’s titled) Review
Before I start this review, I must mention a few things. First, there will be spoilers. (Because, really, who cares if this movie is spoiled?) Second, I am not a prude. I am a normal, 27 year old married women with normal ideas of relationships and sex. Third, I have read the books (eh) and have seen the first movie (MEH), but it has been a little while. Last, this review will probably be harsh…because it was bad.
I will split this review into all the things I hated about this second installment of the Grey films.
1. The Acting
Bad. Really, really awful and bad. I am not an actress (though I did get an A in my Intro to Performance class in college), so I cannot judge how difficult it is to do these “sex” scenes with someone you (from what I’ve heard and read) greatly, greatly dislike. I was told that they actually had to get shitfaced in order to do the sex scenes for this movie. But more on the bad chemistry later. There was enough moaning and groaning to convey that, yes, they were in fact having sex…can’t imagine that is difficult. Where it goes truly ugly was when they weren’t having sex. Holy crap. I don’t think I’ve ever muttered “Oh boy this bad” as many times as I did during this movie. And yes, I did say it aloud for the folks around me to hear. The woman (her name is apparently Dakota Johnson – I had to look it up) performed the most boring performance I have ever seen. Not that she had a lot to work with, but even when her character was surprised in her apartment by a lunatic with a gun, her meager “oh” was so dull that I wasn’t sure if she was potentially going to get shot or if the pizza deliverers in that town always greeted their customers that way. God. I can’t even go on about how bad the acting was.
2. The Characters
To go along with the painful acting….the characters are also horrible. Dakota Johnson’s Anastasia Steele is lifeless, spineless, and possibly the most boring character in cinematic history. She’s the type of girl that would put “reading the phone book and eating plain rice” in the interests of her dating profile. As for Mr. Grey (I literally cannot remember his first name for the life of me…I want to call him Daniel, but I’m almost positive that’s not right). He tries. At least his character has some mommy issues which gives him a little bit more depth. But it’s slight. He’s overbearing, jealous (for no reason), and….I literally cannot come up with another adjective to describe him. Wow….this movie was so bad!
3. The Relationship
People love this couple. I know several of those people myself. And now more than ever, I’m questioning if I should really be friends with them. But this is the actual picture perfect example of a dysfunctional relationship. He says “jump”, she says “no”, he says “do it” and she asks “from the bridge or the balcony?” I cannot recall a single discussion where they are not fighting about something (I can’t remember what…must not have been important). He stalks her, she gets back together with him. His crazy ex attacks her, she stays with him. He admits to being a sadist, she stays with him. He inserts vaginal beads into her before a family gala….need I say more?
4. The Plot?
Is there a plot in this movie? Sure, the crazy ex makes a couple appearances, but Mr. Grey quickly Caesar Milan’s her into submission. Anastasia’s boss is a dick and may be a bad guy in the future….I guess, I really don’t know. I thought I remembered there being a plot in the book, but it DID NOT translate to film. Maybe I just wished there was a plot in the book and made one up myself. This whole movie has me questioning my past now… Anyway. Plot: he has a bazillion dollars, she has boobs.
5. The Sex
Now I know these stories are about sex. They’re for getting middle age ladies all riled up so they can go home and fantasize about the sex life they could’ve had. But…why? Why did I pay $10 to watch awkward soft core porn? You see a lot of tits. (OMG HIS NAME IS CHRISTIAN, I JUST REMEMBERED.) You see a lot of thrusting and some licking. But that’s about all. Lots of flipping around on different surfaces. And the fact that they may have been drunk while filming these scenes didn’t make the situation any less awkward for me. And the absolute strangest thing (for me at least) was that CHRISTIAN almost never took his pants off. Sex in her bedroom…pants still on. Sex in his childhood room…pants still on. Sex in the shower….yes, fully clothed. Now that’s just impractical and he’s gonna leave a huge mess for his housekeeper which is incredible rude. Did he ask for more money anytime his ass was filmed? That can be the only explanation. I think I’ll stick to watching Game of Thrones in my living room if I desire a little dirty onscreen action from now on.
There are so many more issues that were raised for me during this much too long movie. Why was the moon ALWAYS full in every skyline shot…no matter how much time had passed? Did she get another car after hers was trashed by his crazy ex sub? Does his housekeeper clean his weird sex room? But honestly, I’d really like to move on with my life now. I’ll leave you with the goodbye I left the group of friends I saw that movie with. “I will not being doing this again next year!”
Tay the Victim
